My Horoscope In "The Onion"

I was reading "The Onion" and this is what it had in my horoscope. I'm thinking I should start writing this blog.

"Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Yours is a story rife with pathos, sacrifice, and sexual intrigue, so it's confusing to see how pathetic it all sounds when you finally write it down."